“I feel the need to cocoon in my safe space where I will not be approached or asked about my recent loss; I do not have the energy to share my pain with others and feel obligated to make sure they are not uncomfortable with my new reality…it is all too exhausting right now.”
Commonly spoken words by a person experiencing grief due to loss; a universally shared experience by all who love, dream, and possess a beating heart.
I am compelled to write about grief in this month’s blog as I have friends and clients who are grieving the loss of loved ones and the loss of what could have been. Often, we correlate grief with death; a true correlation however we must also recognize most people are experiencing grief whether they know it or not.
Vulnerable emotions such as grief, loss, sadness, regret, and disappointment are commonly suppressed all in effort to keep it together; to not fall apart.
I encourage you to fall apart recognizing you will not break.
It is common for a person who is grieving to look around and notice life is moving along swiftly; the pace of life has not succumbed to the grieving person, on the contrary, life appears to not have the time or the will to slow down.
Slowing down means feeling; a healthy start in processing grief albeit a difficult one.
As a psychotherapist, I have had countless opportunities to support my clients in grief witnessing the courage and strength of the mind, body, and spirit. I have held back my own tears as I listened to my client’s stories of tragic loss, loss of dreams, loss of identity, loss of health and loss of pets. I too, have experienced loss; a universal experience that is the price we pay for experiencing love…grief is love.
The discomfort around grief can be palpable; often the grieving person struggles with how to manage the ebb and flow of emotions and the perceived expectations of moving forward not to mention the burden of keeping others assured that you are doing just fine.
People have good intentions but often miss what is helpful to a grieving person.
HELPFUL TIPS FOR SUPPORTING A GRIEVING LOVED ONE, FRIEND, COLLEAGUE OR OTHER:
Grief zaps the energy from a person making it difficult to make everyday decisions; be intentional about offering support rather than asking what the person needs. Thereby reducing the burden of decision making.
Make statements rather than comparisons or “feel good” comments. For example: “I am thinking about you and am here should you need to talk.” vs. “I know your loved one is in a better place.” People who are grieving need to process their pain on their terms meaning they may not feel that their loved one is in a better place. Often “feel good” comments are just that; the non-grieving person’s discomfort is eased.
Grief is not something to solve or move through in a linear fashion despite our cultural discomfort around death and suffering. Check in with the grieving person with no expectations of how their grief journey is moving along; check in as you would normally with an openness to the person’s new reality.
Build self-awareness around your feelings of discomfort; develop a mindset of kindness, compassion, and empathy. Be mindful around the need to cheer up the grieving person as movement towards feeling cheerful once again will happen on their own timeline.
UNRESOLVED GRIEF IS AT THE ROOT OF EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES
In working with clients over the years, one thing I believe to be true is unresolved grief is at the root of most presenting concerns; grief that has not been allowed to be processed for a multitude of reasons.
Perhaps it is a parent protecting a child from the pain of grief. You know the one…the family dog moved to a farm to live a better life when meanwhile the family dog has died. Although well-meaning this protection from pain is unhelpful and unrealistic.
Painful emotions make us vulnerable thereby reducing our emotional expression leading to suppression. Suppressed emotions lead to anger, victimhood, self-hatred, and projection.
Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge the feeling; remember grief is not set aside for death, grief is a response to loss. Inquire within yourself loss you have endured in your life; how have you processed it?
I will guess you can recount your losses but feel challenged to know how the loss impacted your life other than memories of sadness, despair, and unwelcome change.
Perhaps there is more to it than you thought at the time or perhaps it was a way to survive and move forward. Either way; grief needs to be acknowledged, felt, processed, and released.
Releasing the energy of grief is an important part of healing involving somatic awareness; recognizing the agonizing symptoms you are experiencing are not solely healed in the mind but also the body.
HELPFUL TIPS FOR INCREASING SOMATIC AWARENESS AND RELEASING GRIEF
- Increase somatic awareness by developing kindness towards yourself; grief can cause changes like impaired focus or “grief brain” leading to personal frustration or negative self-talk.
- Notice heightened emotions and allow yourself to process; crying is therapeutic and the bodies way of releasing stress. Allow yourself time to cry, scream or feel rage.
- Keep regular sleep routines as sleep will become impaired due to grief; anxiety may present at night due to the quietness and stillness allowing the mind to ruminate. Develop a breathing protocol like box breathing (4 count inhale-4 count hold-4 count exhale- 4 count pause) to calm your mind.
- Be mindful of your appetite as you may not feel hungry; eat what sounds good to you with focus on fresh foods and healthy hydration. Nourish your body to heal.
- Added muscle tension will be evident; move your body by stretching, doing yoga, walking, or swimming. Be outside and connect with nature and your breath.
GRIEF IS LOVE
A two-sided coin that we all possess at multiple times in our lives. Perhaps a coin we could do without due to the pain and unpleasantness of change and emptiness due to loss. When I frame grief in this manner however, I feel a sense of peace that grief is the teacher of what truly matters in life…love.
Until next time…be well!