As we move through the month of February, it is my personal feeling that the year is officially in motion. There is something about the beginning of a new year that presents an instability of the unknown; a question of “What will the new year bring?”
The mind begins to ponder the possibilities; some that feel exciting and others that may bring dread depending on personal circumstances.
Regardless, we persevere and face what is coming our way as we do not have much choice in the matter. Life rolls along whether we are willing or resistant participants.
As a psychotherapist, I see resistance as commonly paired with control; the two go hand in hand rooted in anxiety. When we experience anxiety, our mind perceives a potential threat that is often overestimated in intensity and origin leading to fear around our ability to manage the threat, causing our nervous system to activate for protection.
Perhaps the threat I perceive in the new year is the uncertainty of the future; a place where anxiety thrives.
For this blog post, I am inspired to share the connection between anxiety and control in hope that you will explore in yourself, the many challenges that control can bring to your life.
Control: Our Need to Manage Internal Chaos by Controlling External Circumstances
Bringing awareness to internal chaos is the foundation of healing and growth albeit a difficult one. When internal chaos is left alone, feeling unsafe is common driving the need to control what we can.
Perhaps it comes in the form of decision making for family members who have agency, overworking at your job, desiring perfectionism, or displaying rigid behaviors in relationships leading to strife and loneliness.
We know there are many factors leading to internal chaos; too many to explore here. These factors are significant however in how one perceives, acts, and makes sense of the world around them. The inability to feel safe in the body and mind determines our need for control.
So how do we learn to relax recognizing that control is an illusion; the universe has a plan if we would lessen our grip and embrace the experience.
Tips for Reducing Internal Chaos to Calm
- When feeling anxious, connect with core values to redirect your focus into meaningful tasks
- Challenge yourself to try something new: a recipe, workout, meditation app, volunteer, learn
- Identify your Circle of Control: focus on attitude, effort, reactions, thoughts, acceptance
- Develop or maintain healthy lifestyle choices: sleep, diet, exercise, hydration, connection
The Circle of Control: Adapting to Letting Go
I recognize in my own life and the lives of others who I counsel, that we possess the ability to stay within our circle of control should we be intentional and aware.
Self-awareness is key in determining how control is showing up; ask yourself “Is this in my control?”
I challenge you to a gradual exposure of daily control; to make yourself aware of the discomfort that comes with relinquishing control as it is identified.
Uncertainty, fear, external events, other’s reactions, expectations, and adhering to the harsh inner critic all drive the need for control.
Letting go does not mean we become apathetic or non-caring; letting go means we acknowledge and accept what we cannot change.
Adapting to the reality that is in front of us teaches us the power of the present moment; anxiety is reduced when we notice we are safe in our mind and body right now.
Tips for Maintaining a Healthy Circle of Control
- Give yourself a visual reminder of what is in your circle of control: purchase or sketch your own
- Build self-awareness by acknowledging when the need to control presents
- Sit with the discomfort of relinquishing the need for control; build present moment awareness
- Offer up a healthy dose of self-compassion; there are reasons for behaviors
The Importance of Self-Compassion in Reducing Control
Why is it so easy to offer compassion towards others but not towards ourselves? This being one of the most challenging aspects of human growth.
Is it that being kind to ourselves feels self-indulgent or selfish?
Perhaps it is the perception one has about themselves or the narrative one tells themselves that disallows compassion to be present.
Acknowledging our history, regrets, mistakes, and missteps can begin a path towards self-compassion; life has no handbook.
Imagine the ease of living our lives as they are, in the present moment, rather than getting worked up over ideals and visions that feel insurmountable.
Imagine not only being compassionate to others but yourself; how would that feel?
As the body and mind feel safe, internal chaos and need for control lessens.
Tips for Improving Self-Compassion and Making Space for Self-Connection vs. Control
- Begin a practice of treating yourself as you would treat a best friend
- Challenge negative thoughts around prioritizing your needs
- Soften your ego and connect with your soul; find that loving piece of you
- Accept where you are in life; you are exactly where you need to be
Mind your Own Mind
When we mind our own minds; reactions, thoughts, attitudes, and choices become easier, reducing focus on aspects that we cannot change, influence, or orchestrate.
Finding clarity within your circle of control means knowing what you need to focus your energy towards rather than wasting time telling yourself about all the things that should be different.
Wisdom is knowing what is in your control and what is out of your control. Take the time today to find wisdom in relinquishing a bit of control and relieving yourself of unnecessary burdens, fear, and anxiety.
Until next time…be well and stay within your circle!