Here we go again…the holiday season has arrived!
By the looks of my neighborhood, the holidays arrived early; lights on houses, brightly lit, wreaths adorn doorways and charming snowmen stand tall in yards indicating the beginning of what is considered the most magical time of the year.
Each year I am amazed at the eagerness to which people are engaging in readying themselves for the season. I can begin to feel the energy whether through friends and family making plans, clients beginning to share holiday stressors or walking into a retailer who has merchandise ready to be purchased. Regardless, the season becomes front and center as does the stress and chaos that comes with the most magical time of year.
I am inspired this month to remind those who are feeling anxious, stressed, demanded upon, or just overwhelmed, that managing the holiday season is in your power. Often, the expectations of the season take over as if we have no personal agency on what truly brings us joy, peace, and connectedness to our souls.
Expectations around giving, decorating, cooking, shopping, traveling, pleasing and most importantly, maintaining traditions can take a toll.
Traditions are what drives most of the expectations often leading to disappointment, sadness, or longing for what once was…sound familiar?
Traditions also bring joy and fond memories of the past especially remembering what it felt like to be a child during the holidays. As the saying goes…two things can be true at once.
As a psychotherapist, I witness the challenges people face during this time of year while observing the effects intergenerational trauma has on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors often exacerbated as one navigates the expectations of the season. Intergenerational trauma is past down from ancestors who may have experienced trauma resulting in learned behaviors, and coping styles influencing the next generation both negatively and positively.
Should you be feeling stressed about the demands of the season, it is easy to project your dissatisfaction towards others; often family members who may be acting in a way that triggers you. Perhaps a family member who incessantly feels the need to please but is exhausted and resentful towards others. These patterns can be deeply embedded and difficult to change.
So how do we stay connected to ourselves, calm and joyful when we are juggling holiday demands and family expectations?
Stay Calm, Connected, and Joyful; Utilize the Grey Rock Method
The Grey Rock Method is a way to think in terms of not reacting to those who are triggering. After all, the only control we have is how we choose to show up and how we choose to respond.
Easier said than done as tolerance levels have plummeted in our society leaving little room for grace and understanding. The following tips can assist in reducing the temperature.
Helpful Tips for Utilizing the Grey Rock Method
- Intentionally reduce interaction with a triggering individual
- Change the subject to a neutral topic
- Be aware of your need to control or be right
- Present from a loving part of you vs. your ego
- Avoid emotional responses
- Ignore without being obvious or rude
Helpful tips are wonderful to absorb and feel empowered by however in the moment of feeling triggered or unsafe emotionally; all bets are off. This is where building our personal insight and awareness muscles are necessary.
Building personal awareness is one of the main components in personal development and healing. Awareness around our true struggles is often implicit in that we are unaware even though on the surface we are working to understand ourselves; albeit feeling stuck.
Experiencing calm, connectedness and joy is within you, should you choose to listen to your heart and act intentionally on what truly matters to you during this time of the year. Reduce the need to control outcomes, plans, and traditions; all will manifest accordingly without the negative energy of control.
Control is the Grinch who Stole Christmas
The Grinch comes to realize that Christmas is not about materialism and all the crazy hoopla that most of us subscribe to leading to stress and unfulfilled expectations; rather it is about love, connection, faith, community, and family. Sounds simple…right?
Simplicity allows for peace, joy, and connectedness reducing expectations while still building memories, tender moments, and overall enjoyment. So why the need to control?
Control makes us feel safe when we are feeling triggered or challenged by an event, person or our own insecurities. The only control we have is over ourselves and our reactions to things.
The stress of the holidays amplifies our need for control; control over people and their behaviors, control over environment as we move through our days, control over traditions, expectations, and our nervous systems heightened during this magical time of year.
Connecting to one’s self with kindness and self-compassion will help reduce the need for control while also sending signals of safety to the nervous system.
Helpful Tips for Reducing the Need to Control
- Set boundaries by saying “No” should you be feeling overscheduled or overwhelmed
- Prioritize a daily reset with moments alone; exercise, read, meditate, scroll
- Set a daily mantra including words of gratitude to help stay grounded
- Speak kindly to yourself when feeling overwhelmed; build self-compassion
- Validate your feelings while releasing the stories you tell yourself
Feeling calm, connected, and joyful this holiday season is my hope for you.
Attaining healthy personal states of mind and body are attainable once we begin to listen to our heart rather than our ego that directs our need to be right, be perfect, be entitled. This season I hope you find your joy in all that is meaningful to you and your loved ones remembering tolerance, understanding, and compassion for others and for yourself.
Until next time…be well and be merry!